the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
