In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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