saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
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