listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
