Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
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And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
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You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize