this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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