Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
