She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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