So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
