EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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