Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
