i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
