I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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