as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
