I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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