She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
