Only a mothe r could love this liver
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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