why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
