A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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