I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
