You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
