WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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