Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
