life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
