we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Randomize
