even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
