gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
