my mouth tastes like poor choices
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
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just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
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New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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