Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
