woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
