When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
