when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
