in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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