Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Randomize
