He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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