I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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