Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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