Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i love accidental penises.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
