I need to stop coming to work sober
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
