I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
