Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
