1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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