got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
