no, he came in my armpit
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
