Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
