is your mom at the bar?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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