did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
