my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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