You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
