she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
