Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
