Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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