Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
