I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
