somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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