Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
