listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
