I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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