so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
