dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
