I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
