I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
